Drive-by Observations

Gee, it's been a while, but . . .

Dear Treasury Department: quit fucking with the money. If I wanted to play with Monopoly money . . . I'd play Monopoly.

The right-hand driving lane is not a left-hand turn lane. Conversely, the left-hand driving lane is likewise not a right-hand turn lane. My SUV is bigger than your compact, and the next time you try that trick I'm just going to go ahead and roll right over you.

By the way, that six-inch-high curb in the median is there because they don't want you to make a turn right there . . .

They didn't include a turn signal in your car just because they had some wires and light bulbs left over. Really, I can't read your mind.

When you decide to jaywalk, please do not assume that I am going to stop for you. Pedestrians do indeed have the right-of-way . . . in marked crosswalks. Everywhere else, you're fair game.

The speed limit sign says "40 MPH" for a reason. It really does mean 40 MPH . . . not 15 or 20 MPH.

Traffic lights tend to change from green to yellow to red on a predictable pattern. I guarantee you that if you just sit there at the limit line looking at it long enough, the light will change from green to red.

The menu on the left-hand side of the counter at the fast-food restaurant is exactly the same as the menu on the right-hand side. Quit dicking around.

Just because the sign says "PLEASE TAKE ONE" doesn't mean that you have to.

If you're one of those people who think that the colour of a person's skin automatically denotes the content of their character, you are an idiot. The flip side of that coin is that people have got to give up the culture of victimization and start taking responsibility for their actions and their communities.

Dear Gals: PMS is not an excuse for bad behaviour.

Dear Guys: being drunk, stupid, horny, having a penis, or any combination thereof is not an excuse for bad behaviour.

Dear Mr. Rumsfeld: please admit that your plan for Iraq was an extremely bad one.

Dear Mr. Obama: please admit that you know jack-all about foreign and military affairs.

Dear Mr. McCain: please admit that you know jack-all about the economy.

Dear Hollywood celebrities: please just shut the fuck up about politics.

Dear Mayor Daley: when you force people to purchase permits for public parking spaces, they're not public parking spaces, are they?

Dear Governor Blagojevich: have fun in jail, along with all the other ex-Governors of Illinois.

When a turn-lane is present, that does not mean you may make your turn from the driving lane.

If someone is so blithely stupid that they can not see the red light and stop in time, they are going to collide with you and force your car into a collision with the car in front of you. whether or not you choose to stop a car-length behind the vehicle to your front.

My lawn is not there for your dog to take a shit on. Only my dogs are allowed to shit on my lawn.

When the sign says "PLEASE WAIT HERE," that does not mean you may step in front of me. Unless you are delivering an organ for immediate transplant, my time is just as valuable as yours.

The next person who tells me that "Jesus wants to hear from you" is going to get an opportunity to meet Jesus much sooner than they expected.

The next person who tells me that they "support the troops" but "don't support the war" is, quite frankly, going to get bitch-slapped.

By the way, not everybody else in the world is "just like us," nor do they particularly want to be.

The next idiot that gets on the internet and bemoans the fact that there's "no such thing as Free Speech in America anymore" needs to be immediately taken away and dumped in a country where that truly is the case.

The movie Goldfinger notwithstanding, can we please get away from the idea that a hole in an aircraft means immediate explosive decompression and being sucked out of said hole, even if it's the size of a coin? Airplanes have lots of holes in them. Let me put it this way: when you're sitting in your seat and you turn that overhead vent on, where do you think that air is coming from?