Anybody out there seen a ghost lately?
I'm only asking because it seems lately that the country has been overrun by all manner of spooks, goblins, monsters and critters. At least it seems that way, if you watch any television at all. Hell, if we're not chasing Bigfoot or Nessie on The Discovery Channel, we've got Paranormal State on A&E and an entire night of chasing spirits on The SciFi Channel. Of course, with the latter, I'm not sure what the supernatural has to do with science fiction but, hey, if you don't like that, they've got wrestling, too.
You know, there's really nothing like a good ghost story, when you're out in the middle of the woods, to get the old heart pumping . . . except, perhaps, for when a bear wanders into the middle of your camp. That can be pretty exciting, too. But, I mean, really . . . aside from Halloween, when they're out grubbing for candy, does anyone have any proof that ghosts exist?
I had a friend in college who used to tell me stories about a spectral "tiger hand puppet" that used to appear at his bedside at night when he was a child. And it wasn't just any kind of run-of-the-mill tiger hand puppet, no, it was an evil tiger hand puppet, that would talk to him and ask him to put his hand in its mouth. Presumably to eat him, although I suppose it could also have just been looking for a good dentist. I asked him after one such story if he had any older brothers who liked to tease him. Turned out he did and, while I thought I saw a connection between that and the tiger hand puppet, my friend apparently did not.
He also told me stories about his grandmother, who lived out in the back woods of Tennessee, who apparently owned a kitchen table that every so often would "walk" across the room. Why no one ever thought to snap a polaroid of the table in mid-stride, I don't know. Of course, being a smart-ass city boy, I asked my friend if his grandmother ever pulled a fast one on those "damned rev'noors" and by chance made her own liqour . . . Imagine my surprise when he said yes. Again, could just have been me, but I pointed out the possible connection between that and the walking table, but . . .
I guess people see what they want to see. Got a strange noise in your house? Well, that's got to be the footsteps of a previous owner; couldn't possibly be the house settling on its foundations or anything mundane like that. Hell, I used to have an experience where it felt like someone was lifting the end of my matress up into the air in the middle of the night. So which is the more reasonable explanation for that sensation - that in the groggy netherstate between sleep and wakefulness, I was for some reason lifting my legs into the air, or that I was being visited by some spectral apparition with a twisted sense of humour?
Ever see the show Ghost Hunters, or its spin-off, Ghost Hunters International? These are prime examples of what I'm talking about, of people chasing their tails and convincing themselves that there really are things going bump in the night. It really is hilarious. It usually goes something like this: in a nice, dark room, ghost hunter 1 says: "I feel something." Ghost hunter 2 then asks, "What do you feel?" Ghost hunter 1 answers with something like, "I feel [insert favourite phenomenon here]" or "My little ghost-detecting electronic doo-hickey says . . ." Ghost hunter 2 then confirms everything ghost hunter 1 just said, and then they move on to their next "encounter."
The real hilarity ensues when the ghost hunting team reviews all of their "evidence" the next day. They take hundreds of photographs, shoot hours of tape, and have hours of audio recordings, all of which they go over, only to find . . . nothing. Perhaps because there was nothing there to find in the first place, or perhaps because all the ghosts are just terribly shy. I know which one I'm betting on.
My favourite, though, are the so-called EVPs, or Electronic Voice Phenomena, which are purported to be the actual voices of ghosts. The idea is, you can let a recorder run and then, when you play the tape back, hear voices on it that you couldn't hear when you made the tape. Presto, instant ghost. They always manage to "find" at least one of these, which they then play back for the owner of whichever "haunted" building they happen to be in and pronounce them to be on the receiving end of paranormal activity.
Except . . . we all know the mechanics of speech, right? You suck air into your lungs, then force it out through your vocal cords which, along with jaw movement and tongue positioning in the mouth, produce sounds. So . . . since when do ghosts breathe? Oops. And, frankly, the only thing I've ever heard when listening to a purported EVP is a bunch of static. The power of suggestion, though, is a wonderful thing, and if you really want to hear something there . . . well, I'm pretty sure I could produce a tape in which a ghost recites the Gettysburg Address. Want to hear it?
This whole thing is kind of like those who believe in "past-life" experiences. Ever notice how everyone, in their past life, was someone like Cleopatra, or Ceaser, or William the Conqueror, or someone else famous? How come no one is ever William the peasant, who shoveled manure in a barn in 8th Century England for a living? Curious, that.
Okay, so I guess its pretty safe to assume that I don't believe in ghosts. But maybe I'll keep my proton pack handy, you know, just in case. And I promise I'll be careful not to cross the streams . . .
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