I don't generally believe in conspiracy theories. Conspiracies, by their nature, are supposed to remain secret, and conspiracy theories almost always involve way too many people for that to happen. But, of late, there is one conspiracy that I can not escape feeling must, indeed, be true.
You were all put here on this Earth to test my patience.
For those of you who can't seem to remember: those lines were painted on the roadway for a reason, you twits.
Solid yellow lines divide lanes of opposing traffic. You may not cross solid yellow lines, no matter how much you want to or how late you are for your fresh latte.
Solid white lines divide lanes of traffic moving in the same direction. Like the solid yellow lines, you may not cross them, even if you were so busy yakking it up on your cell phone that you suddenly realize you were too stupid to figure out you were in the wrong lane.
A solid yellow line paired with a broken yellow line means that the median strip may be used as a turning lane. It does not mean the median strip is a passing lane, or your own personal high-speed lane.
As long as we're on the subject, the shoulder of the road isn't a passing lane, either. Hence the solid white line telling everyone who isn't brain dead that you're not allowed to cross onto the shoulder. The only time your car should be on the shoulder is when it breaks down.
Contrary to popular opinion, a yellow light does not mean "Hit the gas so you'll miss the red." Nor is there, when you are in the turning lane, a "grace" period for you to charge out and make your turn after the light turns red. Fair warning, my Bronco is much larger than the little Japanese hybrid you're driving, and the next time you do that, I'm just going to go ahead and roll right over you. Trust me, safely encased in all that metal, I'm not going to notice it as you get squished.
Speaking of four-wheel drive SUVs, and since we are rapidly approaching that lovely season where the white stuff falls out of the sky . . . Four-wheel drive does not mean you are invulnerable; all it means is that you can now get stuck in a place where even the AAA-club tow truck can't reach you. In case you were too busy in 10th Grade Physics class wondering why your penis always got stiff when the wind blew or when you could finally trade in the training bra for a real grown-up woman bra and missed it, if all four wheels are moving across ice, you're not going to get any traction whether or not you've got four-wheel drive or all-wheel drive. Please consider that as you're sitting in the ditch, wondering why you lost control of your Yuppie Assault Vehicle.
On a completely different note . . . To all the proof readers, publishers, editors, authors and wannabe authors out there:
Please learn how to use the language properly. You're supposed to be professionals, for God's sake.
"Breach" is something you do when you want to make a hole in something. "Breech" is where you put the bullet so you can shoot it from a firearm. "Is" and "are" may never be used one right after the other, as in "The scientists at the LHC is are conducting important reasearch into high-energy physics." The word "affect," in the way that you most commonly use it, means to have an impact on something. The word "effect," on the other hand, means to bring about a desired result. They do not mean the same thing, nor are they interchangeable.
"Efforting" is not a word. The sentence "We are efforting that right now in order to find an answer" doesn't mean anything. Please stop. Now. Likewise, "irregardless" is not a word. Please stop trying to make it one. The proper word is "regardless." Nor is "can't not" an acceptable phrase, as in "He can't not do that." It's a double negative, which means it is a positive assertion meaning that he can, in fact, do that. Do not start a sentence with the word "however," as in "However, he can not do that." The proper usage would be "He can not, however, do that." The former is just intellectually lazy.
Heathen.
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