Be Careful What You Wish For . . .

Once upon a time, in the Land of Strong, Female Talking Ponies, there lived a strong, female talking pony, who was the Queen of her realm. Coinicidentally enough, among all the other strong, female talking ponies who inhabited the land - of which, really, there weren't that many, since everyone knows what a disaster it is to have that many strong, talking females gathered in one place, especially when they're all wearing the same outfit - she was known as the Strong, Female Talking Pony.

Now, the Land of Strong, Female Talking Ponies was a magical place, full of cotton candy clouds and bubbling brooks of tasty dark chocolate, where the oats for all the talking ponies grew strong and tall under the brilliant sunshine that poured down out of the sky on thousands of Bluebirds of Happiness as they pooped on statues of beetle-browed, knuckle-walking gender-threatened men placed there specifically for that purpose.

The Strong, Female Talking Pony was quite happy with the way in which she had ordered her realm, for she spent her days expounding on her Strong, Female Talking Pony Opinions to her subjects and basking in their adulation, which made her happy. She also spent her days denying tasty bacon treats to her faithful dogs, which made them unhappy, but in the Land of Strong, Female Talking Ponies, no dog should have unhealthy treats, and apple cores are just fine for them, the ungrateful, whining snots.

Then, one day, blatantly ignoring the posted signs saying "NO BOYZ OR OTHER OPINIONS ALLOWED," a group of beetle-browed, knuckle-walking gender-threatened men blundered their way into this magical queendom. Loud, crude, and scratching themselves in delicate places in public, this testosterone-laden invasion greatly distressed the Strong, Female Talking Pony and made her cross to no end. So she set forth from her shining Ivory Tower to overwhelm the beasts with the shining logic of her unassailable secular-humanist opinions.

"What do you want here?" she demanded when she finally confronted the interlopers.

"Oh, we're just looking around," replied the beetle-browed, knuckle-walking gender-threatened men. "Nice place you've got here. Could use a big-screen HDTV, though."

"For what? So you can watch sports?" the Strong, Female Talking Pony asked with a sneer.

"Well, yeah. That's kind of the point behind a big-screen HDTV," the beetle-browed, knuckle-walking gender-threatened men said. "Oh, and video games, too."

"Never!" the Strong, Female Talking Pony said. "I shall never allow big-screen HDTVs showing beetle-browed, knuckle-walking gender-threatened men bashing each other about in sweaty, pointless juvenile contests with no point to disrupt the peace and harmony of the Land of Strong, Female Talking Ponies!"

"Suit yourself," the beetle-browed, knuckle-walking gender-threatened men shrugged. "Er, by the way, who are you?"

"Why, I am the Strong, Female Talking Pony, Queen of this Land of Strong, Talking Female Ponies," the Strong, Talking Female Pony said. "I have many deeply-held opinions which are unquestionably true."

"Oh? Like what?" the beetle-browed, knuckle-walking gender-threatened men asked.

"There are so many, but my favourites are the unerring correctness of tax-and-spend policies and the brilliant, unquestionable truths of Keynesian philiosophy," the Strong, Female Talking Pony said. "Oh, and that the word 'he' is designed solely to keep Strong, Female Talking Ponies down."

"Really?" the beetle-browed, knuckle-walking gender-threatened men asked. "And if we said that you can't tax your way out of every economic problem, or legislate away peoples' beliefs?"

"I would say that your opinions are not mine, and so can not possibly have any validity," the Strong, Female Talking Pony sniffed with an air of absolute certainty.

"Well, as long as you're being open-minded about it . . ." the beetle-browed, knuckle-walking gender-threatened men said.

"You still haven't told me why you are darkening my realm with your absurd conservative theories that can't possibly be true because I don't want them to be," the Strong, Female Talking Pony said.

"Oh, that," the beetle-browed, knuckle-walking gender-threatened men said. "We're just here to clear this land for the development of a couple of strip malls, and maybe a subdivision with a golf course."

"What? You can't do that!" the Strong, Female Talking Pony said.

"Of course we can," the beetle-browed, knuckle-walking gender-threatened men said. "If it helps, just think of the increased tax base."

And with that, a great hammer descended from the sky and smacked the Strong, Female Talking Pony right between the eyes. As she was being hauled off to the nearest glue factory, the beetle-browed, knuckle-walking gender-threatened men shrugged.

"Oh, well. Guess you can't stand in the way of progress." And then they built a hockey arena.