Ruminations of a Brown Shoe Man

Did I ever tell you how much I hate battleships?

Well, no, "hate" is, I suppose, too strong a word. I don't hate battleships, I guess, but I have pretty much had it with their prima-donna pretentiousness. Realy, now, just what about them is it that justifies their oh-so-high-and-mighty attitude? Not one darn thing, that's what.

Think about them for a minute. Big, slow and ponderous, a battleship is just like that funny old lady down the street who insists on stuffing herself into a dress three sizes too small. Pathetic, right? A battleship is about as sexy as someone wearing blonde pigtails, a helmet with horns stuck on the side, and belting out a Viking aria.

Queens of the battle line? More like hussies of the sea, if you ask me, and just about as attractive. A battleship lacks the graceful elegance of a cruiser, or the lithe, athletic agility of a destroyer. Overweight, overwrought and overhyped, a battleship just sort of plods around like that one kid everybody politely refers to as "special," and with about the same expectation of actually producing any useful results.

And, really, when was the last time a battleship actually ever did anything? Oh, sure, they love to see themselves in the headlines, but all they really do is just sit around eating and getting fat. Not like they couldn't afford to lose a few pounds, but you go and try telling them that. I dare you. They're like an old movie star who just can't give up the limelight gracefully, always going on and on about "Jutland this . . ." and "Surigao that . . ." Bah! Get over yourselves already!

I tell you, there's no sadder sight in the world than a battleship all gussied up like a Times Square harlot. Who do they think they're fooling? You just can't hide poundage like that under a pretty dress and, no matter how much lipstick you slather on a pig, it's still a pig. Watching battleships move is like watching a waltz of the elephants, and just about as graceful, too.

Just a bunch of big talkers with nothing to back it up, that's what battleships are. But if you listen closely to them, you invariably find out that for all their stories, it always comes down to them just sort of hanging around while someone else did all the work. All the battleships do is try and claim the credit afterwards. And is that really something we want to hold up as an example? I think not.

Remember, the best thing you can do when you see a battleship is just ignore it. Don't encourage it, whatever you do. Bad behaviour, after all, should be pitied, not rewarded.