It is probably just my own naivete, but I always believed that anyone could write, if they only set their minds to it. After all, putting words on paper is really no different than speaking, and we even managed to train chimps to push the pretty coloured buttons in the capsule in the right sequence.
It turns out, however, that I was grossly mistaken, and it seems I owe an apology to the chimps.
I have a friend who believes that the phenomenon of "fan fiction" - the use of fictional characters and their worlds created by others in original stories as a show of support and affection for a given TV production, movie, book, etc. - is the root of all evil. Or, at the very least, that it should be outlawed. I must say, though, that after having now read numerous fine examples of this art, that my friend is wrong.
Fan fiction should most definitely not be outlawed. Rather, the perpetrators of these atrocities should all be rounded up and shot. Immediately.
Never have I seen the English language so tortured and abused, even taking the sad state of education in this country into account. But it does seem as if English as a second language is a prerequisite for writing fan fiction. As far as I can determine, the rules for this endeavour seem to be as follows:
1) Construct a run-on sentence that lasts for at least half a page. Longer, of course, would be better, but I suspect that the lung capacity of the authors pretty much sets the three-quarters of a page or full page sentence as an unattainable goal. Still, there may yet be an aspiring fan fic author who will conquer this Everest of the written word and incoherent thought. Hope springs eternal, as they say.
2) When unsure, forget punctuation entirely. Alternatively, when you're not sure which punctuation mark to use, throw in as many of them as you think you need or can get away with.
3) If your typing fingers are getting cramped up, and you don't think you can pull off a really good run-on sentence, make sure that all of your paragraphs consist of just a single sentence. Two sentence paragraphs are sometimes allowable but, really, the true artist in this genre aims for one.
4) Change tenses frequently. In a single paragraph is good, in a single sentence is even better.
5) Capitalize randomly. Look, we all know that proper nouns are prima donnas, so we should revel in letting other words, like verbs and adjectives, bask in the limelight of capitalization.
6) Never use a comma when a good period will do just as well. As in: "'It is cold today.' He said."
7) If you are going to write a fan fic about a television show that is currently still airing original episodes, absolutely do try and tie your story into what the show's writers are trying to do. Who cares if you couldn't possibly have any idea where they are trying to take things?
8) If you are stuck for ideas, absolutely inject yourself into the story as a major character. After all, what could be more entertaining than reading horribly written prose about your juvenile fantasies?
9) Frequently forget what the names of the characters are. Nothing quite demonstrates your devotion that not knowing who they are.
10) Have absolutely no idea what it is you are writing about, but try and sound as if you do. This is especially true of those fan fics that attempt to portray things like the military or the police. Here's a free piece of advice: no one says "over and out" on the radio, because that means you're acknowledging a transmission you can't hear as you have signed off the net. Nor does anyone say "wilco," except in Hollywood and bad fiction, and even "roger" tends to be frowned on.
11) When you are absolutely strapped for ideas, do make sure that your story consists entirely of some good man-on-man, woman-on-woman, and/or man-on-woman luvin'.
And this is where I must apologize to the chimps. Even randomly banging away on the keys, our primate friends are capable of producing much better work than the best fan fiction "author."
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